Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
