We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
