My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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