Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
