all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
