capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
