I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
