Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
