Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
