I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
