What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
