Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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