When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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