I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
