I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
