i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
