dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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