last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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