When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
