He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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