this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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