It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
