my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize