life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
