Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
