my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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