I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
