So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
