My room smells like vodka and shame
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You are a genius and a whore.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
