Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
