I must be too annoying 4 u.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
