My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
