haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
