We need to rekindle our bromance
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
