ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
