Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
