I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
