just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
