at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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