i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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