I can text with my tongue
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
