I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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