How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
