Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
