No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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