Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
