You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
