I faked an abortion last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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