My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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