I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
