I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
