This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
