I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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