i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
