I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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