im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
