I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
