If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
