someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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