So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
