his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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