I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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