Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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