some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
