I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
